The Big Picture

Been tempted to feel a little sorry for myself lately.  Just a combination of things – signs of physical aging creeping into my consciousness, stress at work, billions of projects that will likely never get done at home, the sense of emptiness that flows from working on a new race car without my dad, and my continued near-perfect lack of a social life or any visible progress toward finding a significant other.  When I allow myself to indulge in focusing on the negative, it’s a fairly bleak picture.

However, a conversation I had tonight reminded me that I don’t really have it that bad, at all.  My friend Jim is my dad’s age.  He and his wife have endured the loss of both their children, they are both dealing with significant health issues themselves, and he is still working as a full-time farmer when most folks would have retired long ago.  For those who may be unaware, farming is a hard life even for young people, involving punishing physical labor, minimal financial rewards and constant worry about the whims of the Oklahoma weather.  It’s definitely a challenging existence.

Jim has also been a life-long racer – we both raced the same type of cars back when I was racing, and we’re both working to get cars ready to run in the new class I mentioned in the previous post.  I cannot adequately express to you the excitement, energy and passion this guy exhibits on a daily basis, in spite of all the legitimate reasons he could have to feel disheartened by the circumstances life has dealt.  His enthusiasm is absolutely an inspiration to me, and it’s extremely contagious.   If I had half his energy right now, much less when I’m over 80, I’d be doing really well.  I’m telling you, he even still wants to try to drive the friggin’ race car!

So, I’m going to suck it up, quit with the moping and redouble efforts to get my race car ready to go.  It’s the least I can do to honor the help I’ve received over the years (and still am receiving) from such an extraordinary man.

Racing Ahead

I used to be a race car driver.   Just a local series, decidedly non-professional in terms of compensation, but not in terms of the very high quality of competition.  Been retired for almost a decade now, since my class got canceled and I never could work up the necessary enthusiasm to do all the work and spend all the money that would be required try a different class.  Non-wing open wheel dirt track racing is the sport that owns my heart.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that a new class that’s nearly identical to my old one will be starting up at a local track in 2010.  It was very unexpected news, to say the least.  After it sunk in for a few days, I started to get really excited.  Not racing has left a large void in my life, even moreso than I realized.   Just the thought of getting a car ready to run again has brightened my mood immensely.  Even if this new class somehow fails to happen, I’m still going to complete the unfinished car that’s been sitting in the shop ever since I quit.  At the very least, I’ll get to take the thing out for a playday now and then and feel what it’s like to pop the throttle and pitch her into the turn sideways once more.  It will feel a little weird doing this without my dad – we were always a team and I miss him so much.  But I’m not getting any younger, and this is an opportunity I can’t pass up.

Here’s the link to my old racing website – there are a bunch of pics and an in-depth explanation of why I love the sport so much.  Guess I’m going to have to work on getting that sucker updated soon!

H & M Racing

2010

Went to see Up In The Air tonight, by myself.  Attending a movie sans companion is no rare event for me but given the fact that tonight happens to be a New Year’s Eve blue moon – the next such occasion being 400 years hence – this action in and of itself provides a fairly clear depiction of my current social life.  The film is a good one; upon leaving the theater I couldn’t help but be struck by the unpleasant similarities between my life and Ryan Bingham’s.  Not that there’s much in the way of similarity on the surface – he trots the globe while I’m rooted in Oklahoma, his sexual conquests number in the hundreds, mine are shall we say rather more sparse.  He has maintained an active disinterest in family life while my family has always been close; he vehemently eschews marriage whereas I’ve never been philosophically opposed to the idea.  I have tons upon tons of mostly useless physical “stuff” and he has none.

But on the critical point of actually making an emotional commitment to a significant other, we share an equally dismal failure.  When we finally do reach a point where we think we might be ready to take a shot, our choices turn out to be similarly inappropriate and lacking in reciprocal interest.  And lastly, we both have no answers to our predicament.

I’ll be turning 50 years old in less than two months.  I may not look 50, but appearances can’t change the number.  Neither can they do much to alter my shrinking window of opportunity to find a partner in crime.  The sort of faintly desperate capitulation that leads folks to a place like eharmony.com, when “successful”, usually ends up taking folks to a place where they wish they had just stayed single.  But knowing what won’t work for me is not at all the same thing as knowing what will.  In that regard, I readily admit to having no clue and my remaining time available to make a discovery is dwindling with the passing of every additional solo New Year’s Eve.

Not sure exactly why I’m writing this – I suppose at some point most of us feel a desire to be understood.  That’s where I find myself on this brightly moonlit yet dark night.  I had envisioned this being a more fully formed post while driving home from the theater, but the lateness of the hour has emptied my brain.  Quitting while there’s still a few hours of sleep to be grabbed.

Not sure how soon another post will appear on this site, but I’m thinking it may at least see more activity in the coming year than it did in 2009…

Brother, can you spare a moderate?

Guess it’s well past time to post something new, but I’ve seemed to be coming up empty.

The current economic situation is definitely unsettling.  If you listen to the cable financial pundits, we’d be at Dow 15,000 if only McCain had won the election.  These financial problems had been brewing for a long time, and they’re not going to vanish overnight.  The housing bubble, in and of itself, was a serious problem.  Multiplied by 30X leveraged CDO’s and other absurd derivatives, it has the potential to be a real catastrophe.  When a country lives so far beyond its means for decades, a day of reckoning is inevitable.

That said, Obama is not exactly off to a flying start.  He’s seemed unable or unwilling to moderate the revenge-lust of Congressional Democrats, and in spite of what’s looking more and more like an impending second Great Depression, he’s been unwilling to postpone any of his planned changes.   It’s not a good idea to try to get the public to listen patiently to complex arguments about overhauling our healthcare system when they’re scared to death of losing their jobs.  Trying to pick a fight with the NRA over a new assault weapons ban at a time when the country is teetering on the brink of economic ruin is just plain nuts, and threatens to roll back Democratic gains in previously Red states.  Obama is an extraordinarily gifted man – I’m still hopeful he can make the adjustments needed to keep us all out of a soup line.  Unfortunately there’s just not a lot of time for learning on the job, and things are not going particularly well thus far.

You might think that their massive losses in the last election would finally cause the Republicans to shift back toward the center, but such is not the case.  Just the opposite, in fact.  Republican leaders seem to be scrambling over each other to see who can emerge as the new Herbert Hoover for the 21st Century.  Rush Limbaugh is now the undisputed leader of the party, given that after mildly criticizing him, RNC Chairman Michael Steele was forced to grovel for forgiveness.  Today’s Republican leaders seem determined to turn the party of Ronald Reagan back into the ideologically pure party of Barry Goldwater.  I would find this more comforting if it weren’t for the imminent prospect of the country going to hell in a handbasket.

For anyone who’s feeling hopeful in spite of all the awful news, there’s this happy headline:  One in 31 U.S. adults in jail in 2007, study shows

I’ll try to come up with something less bleak next time…

exposure

Made another trip to Tulsa today.  Won’t bore you with the details, but we ran into issues once back here in OKC.  It was a very long day, and I’ll be getting up in the morning to go back into the office.   Not exactly looking forward to that.

I was recently advised that if this is intended to be a personal blog that’s going to have actual readers, I’ll need to consider the possibility of offering real personal details here.  I know that’s accurate counsel – I’m just not at all sure I’m comfortable with the idea.  Yet I do feel that blogging provides a significant means of communication I wouldn’t otherwise have.  Haven’t reached any conclusions – for now, I’ll continue to grope my way along in the dark.

Too tired to write any more tonight – heading off to bed…

NYC & Me

Feeling a little worn out and a bit of a post-trip letdown today.  It was an interesting visit – New York was in some ways what I expected it to be, but in other ways it was more.  The dirt and grittiness and anonymity of an intensely urban environment were all there, but there’s also an undeniable sense of urgency and excitement that I hadn’t fully anticipated.

The immediate goals of the trip – seeing Hallie Bulleit (of The Unlovables) in the very cool off-Broadway show Fuerza Bruta and seeing Kitty & The Kowalskis and The Dickies play a New Year’s Eve rock & roll show – were successfully met.  Hallie and Kitty were both exceptionally gracious and made me feel very welcome in their town.  I did some touristy things as well, visiting Rockefeller Square, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Guggenheim, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Successfully navigated the New York subway and bus systems without getting lost for any significant period of time.  Experienced the unique beauty of snowfall in NYC.  Froze my ass off, limiting the amount of tourist activities in which I was willing to engage.  Was almost late catching my return flight due to long lines at LaGuardia.

Nothing earth-shattering happened on the trip, but I nevertheless came away slightly intoxicated.  It’s not a place I could live year-round – the crush of ultra-high population density would eventually drive me nuts if I had no relief.  But it is a vibrant, incredibly historic city and I can envision myself spending a significant amount of time there in my post-retirement future.  This surprises me in no small measure…

Merry Christmas

Only a couple of people are aware of this blog’s existence at the moment, but Happy Holidays to anyone who might wander by.  Mom and I had a subdued Christmas this year – between my having a cold and an ongoing host of hassles at the office, I struggled to get much done in terms of holiday preparations.  My dad’s absence looms very large for us both, but we’re doing our best to keep each other’s spirits up.  There are so many little things in everyday life where I could always count on my dad to help.  Adjusting to life without him is always going to be a work in progress.

I missed my dad in a very practical way this morning.  Because it’s a really warm day here, I tried to take advantage of the respite from the cold and switch out two bad tires on the car hauler.  But between the existing tires being very old and frozen to the rims, along with my still being a little weak from the crud, I didn’t manage to finish the job before coming over to mom’s for dinner.  It’s the sort of thing dad would have handled with ease.

The house feels sorta empty with only the two of us…

But tonight I took mom driving around a few neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights.  It’s a tradition I’ve always loved, and tonight it felt especially comforting.  It was a pretty good Christmas after all.  

Raison d’etre

So, why blog?  I’m not sure I have the answer.  On the one hand, it seems like epic self-absorption.  The idea that anyone could find the minutiae of my daily life interesting is surely preposterous.  On the other hand, I do believe there’s meaning and value in having a means of connecting with others irrespective of normal geographic or social boundaries.

This isn’t my first blog.  I haven’t yet decided precisely what form it will take, but I have concluded that it needs to be less formal and more personal than the earlier efforts.  So, off we go by the seat of our pants…

I’ve been sick the past few days, most likely a cold.  It’s put a severe crimp in Christmas preparations – presents were mailed too late to be likely to arrive on time, and I still need to get some more presents for mom.  This is the first Christmas that it’s only the two of us – memories of my dad and sister will hang heavy.  But change is an inescapable part of life, and I think we’ll manage to be OK.  Maybe even start up a new tradition or two…

The trip to NYC is suddenly looming large.  For those who don’t already know the story, I’ll be making my first-ever trek to the big city to see an off-Broadway show called Fuerza Bruta that has the singer of one of my favorite bands – The Unlovables as a cast member, as well as seeing multiple rock & roll shows by another of my favorite bands, Kitty & The Kowalskis, whom I’ve never yet seen live.  I’ll do some touristy things in the daytime but make no mistake, my love for rock & roll in general – and these two amazing women in particular – is the reason I’m making this trip.  Ultra-high population densities have always made me nervous.

That’s going to have to be enough for tonight.  Bear with me, there’s considerable editing of links and other aspects of the site still needing to be done.

I’ll be back.

Tempting The Gods

Note: I wrote this back in July, apparently put it away for some additional editing, then proceeded to completely forget about it for five months.  December isn’t exactly golf season, but c’est la vie.  For purposes of clarity, this isn’t intended to be a sports blog.  I’m not entirely sure what it is intended to be – guess we’ll have to wait and see…

It’s so easy to take our good fortune for granted, to assume that we are divinely entitled to whatever valuable attributes we possess.  Sometimes a worst-case scenario has to come along to jar us out of that vain reverie.

Golfer Michelle Wie is currently providing us with a graphic and pitiful object lesson to that effect.  For those of you who are not sports fans, Ms. Wie is an athlete of extraordinary physical gifts who was capable of playing championship-level golf in her early teens.  What has happened since that time makes one’s stomach turn.

Rather than make a normal progression through the ranks of women’s amateur golf, Michelle’s parents persuaded her to turn pro while still in high school.  Even though she had the physical skills to be competitive at the top level of women’s pro golf, and finished well in some early events, it soon became clear that she lacked the judgment and mental toughness to win.  This wasn’t surprising – winning in golf has always been at least as much about the mind as the body, and Michelle had not been given an opportunity to learn how to perform and win under intense pressure against opponents who possessed rock-hard resolve.

That decision was bad enough, but it’s been horribly, woefully compounded by the parents’ unfathomable insistence that the girl needed to play – and continue playing – in men’s pro events before she’s ever won a single tournament in women’s pro competition.  “Success” in this case would be defined by merely making the cut, and she has only managed to accomplish that small feat one time, in a minor event in Japan.  Insisting on continuing to play in men’s events at this point in her stunningly unsuccessful career is a gross insult to everyone involved with the LPGA tour, at a time when she ought to be focusing on earning the respect of her fellow competitors.  Michelle has now turned 18 – it’s time for her to start taking responsibility for her own decisions and recent events don’t offer much hope in that regard.  In trying to come back from a wrist injury, first she was disqualified from a minor women’s tournament for one of the most egregious sins a professional golfer can make – leaving the scoring tent without first signing her scorecard.  Then comes the announcement that she will accept yet another sponsor’s exemption to play in another minor PGA event.

It’s like watching a completely unnecessary slow-motion train wreck.  Tiger Woods, who is almost certainly destined to become the greatest golfer of all-time, paid his dues and played college golf, participating in and winning numerous amateur competitions before turning pro.  Apparently Michelle Wie’s parents were convinced that stooping to such non-superhuman activities was unnecessary for their daughter.  It’s now entirely unclear whether Michelle – this prodigy of immense physical talent – will ever win a single professional tournament of any kind.

This isn’t a story about golf, or sports in general, so much as it is a cautionary tale for our species.  After all these millenia of human civilization, hubris continues to fell the mighty.